Cup O' Ambition

2003-02-26T19:00:00.000-05:00

I just nipped this memo off the fax machine of you-know-who:

"Acme don't want to do a jig, a bad thing, the issues that they raise are ones we were or were not aware of. If we were aware, a conscious or unconscious or semiconscious decision was made to address or maybe to not address, not clear on which is in play here or which perhaps is not in play here. To the extent we were or were not aware, it has to be a matter of time rather than desire, and time is dominated by the disintegration. And the disintegration is dominated by desire and desire is dominated by time. The bottom line is: to the extent we were not aware we should've been more aware."

Lordy b'Gordy if I could go back in time and do it all over I'd've gone to college or business school or something so I could talk like that. (Or at least understand it!)

2003-02-25T12:05:00.000-05:00

Bertha? what on God's Good Earth is going on in your department??? I saw Kay and Derek sort of talking real close out in the parking lot. And I didn't have my "eyes" on but I could've sworn his hand brushed across her tush. I dunno maybe he was just brushing off some powdered sugar or something. You know I'm NOT one to spread gossip...but I'd keep a look on those two if I were you.

2003-02-18T17:32:00.000-05:00

dear heavens. i thought the new guy they hired in IT was kinda fetching but lord he's dumb as a stump.
that poor Geraldo (don't forget he pronounces it with a hard "G") has been running around in circles all day like a chicken with his head cut off.
i don't think he's gonna make it.

2003-02-18T16:40:00.000-05:00

You know I worked my fingers to the bone (fingers. to. the. bone.) getting everything together for that damn bored meeting and Mr. Patel goes and sends out an email thanking Myron's "team" for doing SUCH a great job. TEAM? TEAM?? What team could he be talking about? I didn't see Bessie rolling up the baloney and putting little frilly toothpicks in them. I didn't see Benji on her hands and knees (although I hear that would not be uncommon for her) painting the "welcome bored members" sign. Oh excuse me... "Board Members" I'm sure I'll not live that one down for a while.
What's a girl got to do around here to get any recognition?

2003-02-05T14:02:00.000-05:00

HAAAAAA!!!! It may have taken a year and a half but I finally got that fat ass Ron in I.T. fired!!!!!! That'll show him to put "controls" on us!!! This new guy is a push-over, one bundt cake and a little "accidental" flash of thigh and WE'RE BACK GIRLS! and don't it feel gooooood.

2001-07-02T13:07:00.000-04:00

For pete's sake BettyJean. Go easy on them Raisins. You're cubicle is starting to smell like a gin mill. They're supposed to be solely for MEDICINAL purposes. We don't want to have to perform an innervention on you.

2001-07-02T13:03:00.000-04:00

Girls. Hurry up to the board room. They had Subway brought in! There's all kinds of stuff left and if you hurry up before Regina finds out you can prolly swipe some stuff up to bring home for dinner too!

2001-06-19T14:38:00.000-04:00

anybody got a raisin?
my week's supply are gone and it's only Tuesday.
BJ

2001-06-15T17:46:00.000-04:00

hon-eee! them raisins are the best invention since they decided to sell bread in a plastic bag.
I think this has been the happiest Friday of my life. Are these things approved by the FDR?
If not, they should be.
(hic)
I'd say you can fix yer shoe problem too with a few of these gin drenched babies Lenora!

2001-06-15T11:24:00.000-04:00

Good God. I figured I'd follow Bertha's suit and give them "Espedrills" a go. Well BigK was out of the slipper kind so I got the kind with the rope that goes around your ankles. Well excuse me if you see me walking around barefooted today but that rope's been cutting into my ankles all morning. I mean I can see using rope to keep your shoes on if you're in some dirt country that doesn't have velcro. But to use it by choice I just don't get.

2001-06-13T18:22:00.000-04:00

Gosh BettyJean I'm sorry. Here I was making fun of Bertha about "the Change" and there you were silently suffering this whole time. Listen, I read about this real good menopause remedy. Apparently, you soak raisins in Gin and then let them dry back up and then pop the little suckers throughout the day it really helps with a lot of the symptons. You should give that a try.

2001-06-13T15:49:00.000-04:00

O.K.
I know you all thought I withered up like a weed or just fell off the face of the earth but I'm ready to come right out and say it...
"the change".
That's right. These hot flashes and the incessant spotting has kept me out for weeks now.
I don't know how my mother lived through it.
Three Baby Ruths Lenora? Lord, I had six for breakfast alone.

2001-06-04T15:39:00.000-04:00

Today I been sitting here all day staring out the window. Now my neck and back sorta hurt from crooking my neck around the cubicle. And Maybe If there was something to see out there besides the parking lot this daydreaming would make me feel better. But I'm just feeling blue. I've had three Baby Ruths and that hasn't even cheered me up. They always make me feel better, usually.
Anyway...
Whoever has the Tan Granada...their back left tire looks a little low.

2001-05-23T17:28:00.000-04:00

oh girls dontcha ever get to wondering if there ain't something better?

2001-05-16T14:55:00.000-04:00

I heard that Tofu is some Commie substitute for meat. Maybe laced with some PCD or some such drug.
The ladies that grow their underarm hair all wiley love to eat that crap. Again, I have to wonder if that Carnival
cruise polluted little Gertie's mind-- coming back talking tofu pups and all. And what is this "project"--hmmmmm?

2001-05-16T13:28:00.000-04:00

Tofu Pops? What in the hell? It is clearly another world over in Data Processing.

We do however see eye to eye on Mr. Goulet. What a treat it must have been seeing him in the flesh! I have a recording of him singing "You Light Up My Life" that I swear gets me all a twittering like a humming bird in a Honeysuckle field.

2001-05-15T15:15:00.000-04:00

Howdy Girls - Gertie here - I am back from the Great Beyond - Carnival Cruiselines that is - oooooh and what a time I had playing shuffleboard, dancing the cha-cha, and drinking frozen melon balls like they were going out of style!! The boat people were all so nice it was like a regular Love Boat episode, cruising around the islands, visiting ports-of-call, romanitic nights under the stars.....even star sightings - Robert Goulet of all people was on board - it was like a dream come true!! But I am glad to be back, especially since after you have seen one island you have really seen them all. My favorite part was sitting poolside playing bridge with some other the other girls, drinking melon balls, and watching the First Mate walk around in his tighty-whitey shorts. But I am glad to be back just in time for Lenora's picnic shindig that she is putting together. I am not sure about the hog pit as I have witnessed the burning flesh of a whole pig once as a young child and the vision has disturbingly seared my memory forever. It is not something for the faint of heart!! I will bring some tofu pups for those that don't want the pig. Okay girls I am in the middle of a very important project - toodles - and remember to "make hay while the sun shines"!!!

2001-05-14T16:05:00.000-04:00

Gosh BettyJean I sure hope you get that little problem cleared up before the Picnic. We finally settled on a place. I talked the big Guy into pouring a little extra dough into it this year and..... we are going to have it at.....
STEVIE JOE PLISKIN'S HAPPY APPLE LODGE AND FAIRGROUNDS!!!
I know, I know I can hardly believe it myself! They've got a volley ball net there and horseshoe pits, you name it! They even have the hog pit pre-dug! We don't even have to bring our own hibachis. They got ones that are right there, permanant. This year promises to be the best employee appreciation picnic yet. Eddie Smalley and his barfing pig parts couldn't even ruin it.

2001-05-11T15:12:00.000-04:00

sorry ladies but i have not been able to sit still for
long enough to type a single thing for days.
it turns out though for the best because Little Frankie
came through for once.
He notices me squirming in my seat and he says, "Jeez
Betty Jean, what's up yours?" I said, "For your
information Little Frankie, it's a hemorrhoid if you
must know." He gets all red faced and starts to
apologize.
Next day he comes in with this funny rope and pulley
thing and he lashes it onto my chair. Well I'll be damned
if that harness hasn't saved me from some terrible
pain.
He might be a weasle but that boy actually had a stroke
of genius on that day.
And more good news Lenora -- I just ran into Dolly from
the Kentucky Fried Chicken who says they got a new pop
machine contract and will be featuring Mr. Pibb from
now on. Will wonders never cease?

2001-05-10T15:55:00.000-04:00

Well I would start to sweat a little Lenora. Remember when lil Benji had the sanitary napkins mishap last week? When one of those buggers was stuck to the back of her skirt and she didn't even know it. I saw her pink up real good with that one- but who wouldn't?

2001-05-09T17:57:00.000-04:00

Well my worst fear has come true. Not one Mr. Pibb. in the whole building. What's next? The Sani-Free machine in the ladie's room only stocking tampons?

2001-05-09T14:29:00.000-04:00

I ask you when will the injustice in this place end? They took the Mr Pibb from the Soda Machine! And replaced it with DIET Mr Pibb. DIET??? Ooh I am spittin mad. First the Fresca's gone and now this. This is personal and you all know it! Now I'm going to have to go down to the 18th every time I want a little pop. At 6 cans a day, that's a big inconvenience. Oh no...that's if they didn't go and change that machine too! Be right back.

2001-05-09T10:58:00.000-04:00

Thanks for the floral compliment hon, it's actually an Erma Bombeck. She has a new line at BigK and now that they've brought back the Blue Light I can't keep my pocket book out of that place.
I know several people were whispering about me being a tramp that day.
Bertha B. I'm sure that raisin comment is some kind of drug reference. (I heard they caught little Frankie snorting crack cocaine off the counter of the men's room not long ago.)

2001-05-07T13:07:00.000-04:00

What a relief BJ, I didn't want to say nothing but I was afraid maybe you were having some sort of youth complex or something. I saw that tight dress with the staples and I thought you were trying out a punk rocker look. I was very happy to see you back to your sensible Dress today. I always tell you how I love seeing you in floral patterns. Is that a Jaclyn Smith?

2001-05-07T12:27:00.000-04:00

Bertha, either it's real cold in your office or you like little Frankie a little more than you're letting on.

2001-05-03T10:54:00.000-04:00

I am STILL sicker than a dog. That ol HR harasser Barry called me yesterday and told me to get to work today or ELSE. So here I am, still slinging snot everywhere and you know what's worse? Now I got the alternate sweats and chills. I smell like I am carrying two onions under my arms and little Frankie just asked me if I was smuggling raisins. What in the HELL does he mean?

2001-05-02T14:46:00.000-04:00

I have NEVER been so embareassed in all my life. I sat down over at Jerri's desk because she kept asking me questions about the X600, and since I went to training and she didn't, I figured I'd just do the damn job myself. When I try to get up from her desk my skirt is stuck like I'm stepping on it. I pick up both my feet but something is still pulling on the skirt so I give it a yank and the whole damn back panel comes ripping off. It was caught in a wheel on her fancy economic chair and there's my butt covered only by my white Hanes briefs hanging out for all the world to see.
Well I made Jerri staple together what was left so now I look like I wore some tight skirt in today like a tramp or something.

2001-04-30T17:21:00.000-04:00

Girls I have been so busy today. I have this big project I'm working on making mounds and mounds of photostatic copies of these Very Important High Level Documents. Well what a fiasco it's been. Imagine me standing in the copy room sippin on my Mr. Pibb waiting for the last batch to be spit out when I look at the copier and see pages and pages stopped up on that shelf thing where they come out. Each page butting into the next all a jumble looking like that curvy Christmas ribbon candy. I coulda cried. Contracts and appendixes and lord knows what else all mixed together. Well I just sort of flattened them all out and stapled them together and slipped them in the middle of the pile. The way I figure, no one REALLY reads that crap and whoever gets stucked with the mucked up one will just think he's not following along and be too embarrased to admit it. No one will be the wiser.

2001-04-27T14:29:00.000-04:00

I'd sooner have the pig roast in the back lot with all the flies and weeds than go anywhere near Snorte's ramshackle setup. Are we going to get the extra fried snouts and feet again this year? Lord knows we'll have to keep Eddie Smalley away from that stuff. I won't witness another nightmare like what happened when he stuffed himself silly like he had never seen pig meat before in his entire life.

Bertha you should try some of that Travist-D for your sinuses. That stuff dries me up like nobody's business. It might make you a little dizzy but what the hell, it is Friday after all!

2001-04-27T13:09:00.000-04:00

by the way, was it Bessie blarin that god awful loud Guns and Snakes music the other day? Talk about hostile work environment.

2001-04-27T13:07:00.000-04:00

Don't mind me ladies, I am just sicker than a dog. This morning I came in and had those tissues stuck up every leaking hole. I pulled one of em out to see if I could breathe properly, and sneezed a big glob of something out. The problem was, I didn't see it land nowhere near me. I looked and looked. Then I saw little Frank in the next door cubicle get up and he had a smear of somethin on his back. I coulda died. I just kept silent, though, how in tarnation do you tell someone about that?

2001-04-27T12:15:00.000-04:00

Uh, yesterday was just Hell-a-shus! I'm sposed to be planning the company pig roast this year. And who wants it at the park and who wants it at the fairgrounds and who wants it out at the lake. By the time I got through sortin' through all the requests all the top choices had been booked up. So it's back to square one. I just don't want us to end up doing it over to Bessie Snorte's place again this year. I can't believe she had the nerve to call that impetago pond an inground pool. And I think she got those burgers from Jackie's boyfriend-if you know what I mean.

2001-04-26T17:07:00.000-04:00

Did you gals all take a day off and not tell me?
These hallways are like a ghost town.

2001-04-25T15:49:00.000-04:00

Oh! Those file management men are pigs! I had on my long green dress with the dark green rope piping the other day for the Staff Appreciation Luncheon and Charlie has the nerve to say, "Hey BettyJean, why don't you show a little leg if you're gonna go all out an' wear a dress." I coulda popped him one right in the mouth. It's disgusting!

2001-04-25T10:57:00.000-04:00

Bertha, that news is just shocking! That ole Jackie Welsh is a real Harlot. Last I heard she was seen going around with that "little man" from file management.

2001-04-24T18:16:00.000-04:00

I heard somethin the other day that made my hair curl, girls. I was standing by the big man's office and heard him giggle with someone in there. I leaned a little towards his door to get a better range- and I heard him tell ol Jackie Welsh he had a good "romp" with her on his black leather sofa in there. Now I couldn't believe my ears! Fraternizin in the office like that? Not to mention the sanitary risks he puts on us with such behavior. Its no wonder that you never see anyone sitting on that couch. And you JUST KNOW that the cleanin people don't take a good scrub to it.

2001-04-24T17:55:00.000-04:00

(I'll be by for a chewy in just a sec.)

2001-04-24T17:53:00.000-04:00

I nearly had a heart attack and died when I saw that shag. And we thought we had problems before with those funny raisins in the carpet! Those things are a breeding ground for dustmites and all kinds of other air born diseases.
Lord knows the cleaning crew won't be dragging a vacuum through that thing. I'll just add that to the petition right off.

2001-04-24T16:41:00.000-04:00

Everyone is oohing and ahhing over that new powder blue shag rug in the reception area. We'll see how they ooh and ahh after the first rain storm and we all come dragging our muddy heels all over it. Sure it looks real pretty now, but just you wait.

2001-04-24T14:01:00.000-04:00

Geez BettyJean, I don't know when you will learn. First Regina's cupcakes and now this. These damn fools bring food into work that ain't fit for a racoon. I stay away. When the hell do you think Jackie's beau shot that deer? Deer season's been over for months. Come by my desk later. I got some chewy candys stored away.

2001-04-23T15:42:00.000-04:00

Good lord, has anyone seen the ladies room key??
I've got gut rot after sampling that deer sausage from Jackie Welsh's boyfriend.
I'm sure he must have shot that thing running.

2001-04-23T15:32:00.000-04:00

Well I got a Shasta can in my cubicle with a lipstick shade on it that I haven't worn since Rosanne had a last name . I'll sign that petition. Ipso facto it on over to me

2001-04-23T15:23:00.000-04:00

Gals - my friend Debbie Simms is taking a legal class on Wednesday nights at the community college and she says we should start our petition with something like this:
We the aforesworn petitioners, do hereby solemnly declare on this (enter date here) day of (enter month here) in the year of our Lord, Two Thousand and One that the following grievances shall be publicly decreed and shall henceforth be deemed "evidentis jurisprudence" with respect to the laws and statutes herein of this fine jurisdiction:
(then we put all our complaints in here)
Res ipso facto loquiter.
(Then we all sign it.)
Isn't it exciting!

2001-04-23T13:46:00.000-04:00

Well I can tell you this much- bring me that petition Betty Jean! The other day when I arrived in the morning I noticed there was a weird looking something smeared into my carpet, like it had been run over or something. When I looked at it a little closer, it looked like it might be a ran-over raisin. But you know what? I don't eat raisins. I asked Frank in the cubicle next to me to take a look see, but he was too skiddish. I guess its mostly gone now from sticking to my shoe. Its enough to make me vomit.

2001-04-23T11:39:00.000-04:00

I don't know if any of you saw that nice hollyhock starter sprig in a glass on my desk but one of the cleaning people must have knocked it. I tell you these people are so lazy. I'm thinking about getting a petition against them but will need some other charges to add to the list.
One thing's for sure, they never clean this cubicle. The crumbs from my Friday afternoon Hostess Hoho were still on my chair as proof this morning.

2001-04-20T17:30:00.000-04:00

Lenora, you've been taping "Touched By an Angel"? Lord have mercy! I've missed it for weeks on account of the InterState Ladies Aid Sewing Circle Club and I need a fix!
Bertha, I have to say that it was just plain wrong not standing up to Regina and that paltry new girl Benji (I always think of that adorable little movie dog when I hear her name. What a character he was!) when you heard them slandering our friend in the girls room. I mean, how on earth am I supposed to keep my blood sugar up and turn that work frown upside down with all this feuding?

2001-04-20T17:00:00.000-04:00

You ladies have a nice weekend, you too bertha.

2001-04-20T15:53:00.000-04:00

You know Bertha. You need to back off. I'll be remembering how you didn't stand up for me next time you call me asking me to tape "Touched By An Angel" for you. As for Regina, she should not be making comment about people's weight if she's going to be coming into the office with that sleeveless shirt on.

2001-04-20T14:38:00.000-04:00

BettyJean- can you believe that ol Regina and the new girl Benji were in the bathroom gossiping up a storm? Benji was already saying horrible things about Lenora, like how she carries herself like she's some slinky little thing when she's as big as a house? And that they didn't want her to buy candies for the candy bowl cause she doesn't pay any mind to the fat content and the way she is always laying it round the office so everyone else will look like her? I never heard such venom in my life I tell you. I would've normally stood up for ol Lenora P. but since she's pulled some attitude with me of late, I bit my tongue and made my way quietly back to my cubicle.

2001-04-20T11:46:00.000-04:00

Perforation H huh? Made with shark fin? What the sam hell is that stuff supposed to do? Shave off the little bugger with the shark fin? Is that where the Perforation part comes in?

2001-04-20T11:37:00.000-04:00

BettyJean- I used that Perforation H once until I found out they put shark fin in it. Yeah, I just couldn't rub any shark on my ass and feel good about it. God knows what disease you could get down there. Its just not natural.

2001-04-20T11:18:00.000-04:00

I'll tell you about a change...
Bertha honey, if you think you're mad, try sitting on a hard chair all day when your ass is on fire. The doctor told me there's not a damn thing I can do about these hemmorhoids.
And now my blood sugar is so low I can hardly strike these keyboard keys. I'm boycotting Regina's bulk candy until those little chewey ones are back in the dish.

2001-04-20T11:10:00.000-04:00

Oh Bertha what is it? You're so emotional lately dear. I sure hope you're not going through the changes.

2001-04-20T10:57:00.000-04:00

I am real, real mad.

2001-04-19T17:38:00.000-04:00

Well I guess I'll see you all for Prayers and Sloppy Joes. I guess this means Stan will come home drunk smelling of beer and bourbon and I'll come home bloated smelling of Turkey Bologna and 1000 Island. So much for trying something new and different.

2001-04-19T15:28:00.000-04:00

Don't get me started on the candy bowl!!!! It seems Regina couldn't handle all the praise and glory I've been receiving on it. So she just went right ahead and bought all this stuff in bulk, swedish fish and everything. Apparently she has a nephew who works in the bulk store and got us a 10% discount. Well how am I supposed to compete with that? Now SHE'S doing all the ordering. It was my one sole joy, buying that candy for everyone. Putting a smile on everyones face. Now it's gone. So, if you want anymore chewy candies you can just go TELL REGINA.

2001-04-19T15:04:00.000-04:00

My head is so full of nonsense from that X600 class that it hurts.
I could hardly see straight yesterday with all that noise about "click here", "click there".
And then they try to tell us some crazy notion about a "right button" or some such thing.
I'm lucky if I can even see that little arrow. Don't know why it all has to be so damn small.
(Ol' smarty pants Jackie Welsh tries to tell me some lunacy about a cute little floating
cheese burger on her screen instead of an arrow. Well if we were so loose with the computer
people then maybe we could all be so lucky!)
Then they give us a manual six inches thick and I'm supposed to have time to read the thing?
Worst of all we're out of the chewy candies in the dish after all this stuff went and gave me low blood sugar.

2001-04-18T17:39:00.000-04:00

Bertha, how long are you going to stay mad at me? I know I have to lose a few pounds too. But WW just doesn't work too good for me. The idea of going into the meeting every week and weighing in stresses me out so much I do nothing but binge on Doritos and mallowmars. Last time I tried Weight Watchers I gained 18 pounds and then ended up hooked on Dexaslim trying to lose it. I just can't take that chance again.

2001-04-18T15:39:00.000-04:00

Golly, it's like a graveyard in this joint today. Is everyone coming down from their easter candy high?

2001-04-18T07:58:00.000-04:00

Don't forget ladies - I've got my X600 training today over in Craft County.
(I'll need to pull out my bifocals for this one.)
See you all back to the grindstone on Thursday!

2001-04-17T18:07:00.000-04:00

How'd you get one of them fancy economic chairs anyway? I filled out my requisition form for the economic keyboard three months ago cause I'm always fat fingering my letters and the boss turned me down flat.

2001-04-17T18:02:00.000-04:00

C'mon now girls. Sure we're all a little fat and sassy
(by the way, those prayer Sloppy Joes are made with
turkey bologna and low fat thousand island dressing so
there's no evil temptations from that christian
kitchen) but is that any reason to scrap like a bunch
of cats?
f.y.i. Bertha - I've seen Harold from bookkeeping smile
real wide when he see's you coming. You're just a
little too fussy I think in the man department. He's
supposed to get a full set of teeth any day now.

2001-04-17T17:18:00.000-04:00

Can you believe that? Lenora, acting like she's Jane Fonda and doesn't have a few weight concerns of her own. I can't believe this is the treatment I get from my own dear friends. Maybe Jackie Welsh in her black pantsuit, but not you. No, this cuts real deep. Real real deep.

2001-04-17T16:58:00.000-04:00

Oh Bertha, we're all here for you. You know that. And I'll help anyway I can. Maybe we can take a little walk around the parking lot after our lunch break? Have you tried that slimfast diet? A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch and a sensible dinner. Those shakes taste real good. But unfortunately they send you to the John all day too. Hey how about that Subway Diet? That fat guy got all skinny eatin nothin but turkey subs. That sounds like a diet I could sink my teeth in to. (Ha Ha Ha.)

2001-04-17T16:34:00.000-04:00

Leave it to BettyJean to bring up sloppy joes when a girl is trying to get slim in the hip. You know, I haven't felt the touch of a man since Carter was president. I can't see my feet. I am trying to get some support from you gals and all I seem to get is hardboiled eggs and talk of easter crafts. If I could get out of this damn economic chair I would go to the bathroom to cry.

2001-04-17T14:51:00.000-04:00

Sorry Bertha but you can count me out on that Weight Watcher club. Last time I joined I had to fill that damned 78 oz. water cup up so many times a day that I needed to start wearing depends.
I'd rather slip up into the size twenties than feel like I'm gonna piss myself all day long.

2001-04-17T14:48:00.000-04:00

There's the usual Thursday Sloppy Joes and Prayer over at the Presbyterian church.
It's a damn shame about the bowling though. I just got some brand new finger sticky that I've
been itching to try.

2001-04-17T13:17:00.000-04:00

I am sitting here pickin chicken out my teeth and I had a thought. Maybe we should join forces and get slim for the ninetys and start one of those weight watcher clubs. I get winded walkin from 23 to the 22nd floor. Sometimes I take the elevator even though were not supposed to. And when I go shoppin for the usual polyester blend pants, well, I hate to say it. I am approaching the twentys and I don't mean youth. Anyone in for it? I can barely fit in this economic chair that supposed to accomodate people like me.

2001-04-17T13:03:00.000-04:00

Hey Ladies, Stan has another one of his "business dinners" Thursday night. I was thinking we could go out and cause a little trouble of our own. It's league night at the lanes so that's out. Any other ideas?

2001-04-17T10:02:00.000-04:00

A couple hairs on my little baby toe have gotten a little snarled in my hose and it keeps tuggin and chafin. It's driving me crazy.

2001-04-16T17:49:00.000-04:00

Bertha, Page 5, Paragraph 1 "Physical confrontation between employees is strictly prohibited. Any physical altercation will be grounds for immediate dismissal for both parties. In event of conflict between yourself and a co-worker please take said dispute to human resources and fill out the employee-employee grievance form #515b. This form will be channeled to your supervisor. After a 3 day "cooling off period" all concerned parties will be asked to air their grievance infront of a 3 person "Friendly Work Space Board." The board will decide on the best course of action to clear up the grievance."

I guess it's not worth getting into it with Jackie. If I were you I'd do a little something on the sneak. Maybe a few drops of Visine in her Sanka when she's not looking.

2001-04-16T17:22:00.000-04:00

Oooh that Jackie Welsh sure stirs me up. She acts real snooty when I walk by her in the hall. Like she's better than me or somethin. She's wearing all black today like she is some city kid. What's the policy on employee-employee scraps cuz I am about to pop her one good.

2001-04-16T11:37:00.000-04:00

Thanks hun.
That's a great tip about the desk drawer. Unfortunately I had to use my little chick as a blotter the other day when I was daydreamin' and scratched a pimple. Boy was that thing a bleeder! Maybe I'll hide the crepe bunny under the desk with my spare shoes. (That things a good two feet tall you know.)
And Bertha, you are such a rabble rouser! I can't believe you had the nerve to shred official company documents. Way to cover your butt though with that "one of my off days" comment.
You just never know who's watchin...

2001-04-16T11:24:00.000-04:00

BettyJean, Pg. 34 Paragraph 3. "All Holiday decorations shall be displayed no later than 2 working days after said holiday. With the exception of Christmas decorations which may be left in view until the Epiphany, January 6th but no later."
I'm keeping my little CottonBall Chicks that I made at the party in my desk drawer so that at least they'll cheer me up everytime I reach in there for my nail file or something.

2001-04-16T11:11:00.000-04:00

Speaking of Gertie's craft party- I think she fed us some rotten eggs. Yesterday I bloated so bad that my elastic pants would only fit around my armpits. I couldn't wear my nice easter dress with my white wicker hat to church. It was a real shame. I accidently sent my copy of PWDG through the shredder Betty Jean. It was one of my off days.

2001-04-16T11:01:00.000-04:00

Does anyone have a copy of the Personal Workspace Decorator Guidelines? My jelly donut leaked all over them this morning and wouldn't you know it - right on the section where it tells us how long we can keep up our easter decorations. It breaks my heart to think I've got to take down these precious little crepe paper cottontails we made at Gertie's craft party.

2001-04-12T15:58:00.000-04:00

I must say though, in defense of Regina, the 71 truckstop has some of the best meatloaf I've ever dug my teeth into.
And that Sally Struthers is a model citizen. The way she used to play little Gloria Bunker... now THAT's dramatic acting!

2001-04-12T14:26:00.000-04:00

And let me tell you all a little secret about Regina's cupcakes. She don't make 'em. Her Aunt Birdie owns that little truckstop out on 71 and when things get too old to feed to the truckers she passes it on to Regina and her brood, and when it gets too old for Regina she brings her "fresh baked batches" inta the office. It seems Regina just can't waste a lick of food since seeing that Sally Struthers Special. Why she must have about 6 or 7 of those Sally Struther's babies. She's got pictures and all.

2001-04-12T14:21:00.000-04:00

God Bertha, must you be so crude? I just ate lunch. Honestly I don't know where you come up with this stuff. Skids?

2001-04-11T18:08:00.000-04:00

Is it Regina's cupcakes that are fillin the toilets with some nasty skids? My oh my.

2001-04-11T18:00:00.000-04:00

I didn't want to bring it up and you already know how i feel about poor little Lisa Marie but Lenora you are always welcome to swing by my place to visit her sole offspring, my beloved Elvis Jr. That little poodle can do a dance on his hind legs that could cheer up Emmet Kelly.

2001-04-11T17:54:00.000-04:00

Did anyone else have a cream cheese cupcake up in Regina's cube today? My gut's been hurtin' ever since. I'm afraid I may have some of that botchmalism. I never do see her wash her hands in the ladies room come to think of it.

2001-04-11T17:52:00.000-04:00

hey connie marie! I hear peanut butter works real well for burns. (I just love my Foreman grill! Have you tried the receipe for grilled cheese suprise? It's a little tricky but worth the extra effort!)

2001-04-11T17:33:00.000-04:00

BettyJean c'mon now. Don't start getting all fanatical like Bertha. You like those shoes, you wear 'em. You're still a good American.
Besides I can't be runnin all over town today. I gotta get home to the crock pot before my roast cooks away to nuthin.

I'm off Ladies. Til Tomorrow.

2001-04-11T16:58:00.000-04:00

well I'll be a monkey's uncle - espadrilles - what in hell is that, some turkish word? you know Bertha's strict policy to "look for the Union label". maybe I could have you run those back to K-mart?

2001-04-11T16:46:00.000-04:00

Well hello all, this is my first visit to this charming chat extravaganza. So sorry about the l'il poodle, but they are evil animals afterall. Oops, my dearest daughter Tammy just fell out of her highchair face-first onto the George Foreman grill. That's gonna leave a mark! Charmed, I'm sure.

2001-04-11T16:32:00.000-04:00

Well Jeez don't still water run deep. I'm sorry about your shorts but I told you not to feed her so many chocolates. Lisa Marie was my very best friend and the thought of replacing her sends a cloud passin right over my heart.
As far as your Migraines gertrude, you might wanna lay off the sips. You need a year's supply of Mint Juleps like your friend Mazie needs another colostomy bag.

2001-04-11T15:20:00.000-04:00

Listen Lenora, that flea bag mutt of yours was always yappin up a blue streak and giving me the most powerful migraines, and the stench!! whew!! I don't think you ever bathed that darn thing. Now I am real sorry about the passin away of your beloved Lisa Marie but maybe you should be thankful that you don't have to clean up her runny poo anymore considering she had the nervous poodle condition and all!! I remember the time I tried to befriend that dog and she shat in my lap - all over my new white tennis shorts!!!! I think that poodles are just mean and nasty and you should think bout gettin yerself a real dog - like a collie or a bassett hound!! Listen girls, I gotta run cause I am late for my Mint Julep Bridge competition - this year I swear I am gonna beat the pants off that old Mazie Baker and her sidekick Lou Lou!!! This year the grand prize is a year's supply of mint juleps (just like last year) and your name and pitchure in the town paper!! Whooeeeeee!

2001-04-11T12:44:00.000-04:00

Oh Betty Jean I'm so sorry. You're right, you're right, I know you're good for it, I do. I don't know what come over me yesterday spoutin such venom. But you know I'm always a little touchy around the anniversary of my precious little poodle Lisa Marie's passin. I'll never forgive myself for not measuring that leash before I tied her up to that porch. The image of her hangin there, her little pink toungue poking out. It haunts me. If that Goddam Gertie wasn't such a stick about allowing pets into her house it woulda never happened. Again Betty Jean, I'm real sorry. I got your espadrilles (that's what they're calling them now apparently) in my car.

2001-04-11T12:33:00.000-04:00

2001-04-11T12:28:00.000-04:00

You know that table set is nothing but trouble. The mirror amplifies my stretch marks til they look like tire tracks. Not to mention the whiskers on my chin. Go ahead then, take it.

2001-04-11T12:17:00.000-04:00

now Lenora that's a low blow (and I don't mean the kind comin' out of you today Bertha B.). you know I was on a strict budget then and the only reason I bought all that stuff was so Bertha could get the free year's supply of cucumber face dressing and that Lady's Mate portable makeup table she said she'd share with all of us.
that was during the time i had to take the second job as a school crossing guard (which I'd still have to this day if that damn little Jimmie Smitherspoon hadn't been hit by the Ferrari) and could still hardly make ends meet.
you know i'm good for it now that that drunk Carl and I are DI-VORCED!

2001-04-11T11:54:00.000-04:00

when I was walking down the hall today, I had a little problem with a spout of gas. I was right by ol' Donna's cubicle so I made it look like my shoe was squeakin by stepping back and forth. Geezus.

2001-04-10T15:56:00.000-04:00

This chippy next to me is playing this Shawn Coolvan person a little too loud for my taste. This Shawn sure sounds like a girl if you ask me.
Anyway, off to Big K...
Betty I'll see if I can pick up those slippers for you... but please don't make me wait 3 months before you pay me back (like the last time I fronted you at Bertha's Mary Kay Party).

2001-04-10T15:37:00.000-04:00

Oh Bertha -- i'll never stray from Denny's again. My horoscope said something about an exotic adventure today so I thought I'd go for it with the chinese. (And now it's talking back to me too...)
Lenora, while you're at Big K can you pick me up a pair of them summer slipper shoes they have?
The ones with the wicker heels? My corns are killing me. Thanks.

2001-04-10T14:38:00.000-04:00

The bosses are out so i don't intend to stick around much longer. I think I'll slip out and get a little shopping done. You know K-Mart brought back the blue light special. Well I say it's about time. Someone clock me out at the end of the day?

2001-04-10T14:35:00.000-04:00

My dear Betty. We should all stick to what we know: American food. Men fought and died for our country, now where in Sam Hill is your loyalty?

2001-04-10T14:18:00.000-04:00

shit is it monday already?
i musta overslept.

2001-04-10T14:13:00.000-04:00

that's the last time I eat fried rice from that joint on the corner.
she wouldn't give me any water (I practically had to STEAL the napkin) and so there I am having a very
Zen moment, trying to balance the rice grains on my fork so they're not falling off and into my crotch, when She-Bang!, a little ball of that goop gets stuck in my throat.
I quietly try to belch it out but it's just stuck. I'm thinking I can't breathe.
"Will that snooty lady reading the book give me the heimlich when I fall over blue?"
Finally I kind of lightly hurl my stomach against the marble cornice on the bench, hoping for a little relief.
(She just keeps reading.) I stretch and belch a few more times and while I'm cursing that chinese
lady again (the one who wouldn't give me the water) it all clears like the wind blowing cloud cover off a lake. (you can bet I made sure to drop that extra soy sauce right next to "the reader's" foot when I left!)

2001-04-09T17:58:00.000-04:00

oh ladies.
one too many martini pitchers for me this weekend.
I've been hiding in the bathroom "sick" all day today.
just remember that old saying while you're working away:
"how can I soar like an eagle when all I work with are a buncha turkeys!"
Amen!